


you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece

by imaynotknowwhatimdoing



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting, i'm rly sorry about this, song fic kinda ???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4954378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaynotknowwhatimdoing/pseuds/imaynotknowwhatimdoing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is blue / His pills, his hands, his jeans / And now I'm covered in the colors / Pulled apart at the seams / And it's blue-</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece

**Author's Note:**

> So, i haven't really written anything in almost 2 years, and then, after listening to Badlands (by Halsey) on repeat for days, I had to write this; Sorry if it's shit...  
> Also sorry for any mistakes as English is not my mother language and yeah i haven't written in English in a while so some stuff may be a bit rusty...  
> (also i'm bad with summaries ffs i spent too much time trying to write something decent and i just gave up)
> 
> The title, as the lyrics on the text itself, are from Colors by Halsey.

_You were a vision in the morning when the light came through_   
_I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you_

Mats woke up early, he always woke up early, even on Saturdays, even after going to bed at 5am the past night, even if he was tired, puffy eyes, swollen face, sore throat, greasy sticky disgusting hair and everything. The sun was just peaking, entering through the living room he was sleeping in the floor of; the distinct sent of the vomit he didn’t have the strength to properly clean a few hours ago hit his nose. He chose to ignore it, head still too heavy to do anything about it anyway.

He reached for his phone, it was 7.30am and he had several missed calls from his girlfriend, probably wondering where he was, and why he hadn’t showed up at their apartment for two days already, he chose to ignore it, like he always did lately, wondering why she still bothered to call, to worry, to even care for him. Mats was barely home these days, “lots of group projects to finish”, “lots of internship issues to deal with, my manager is a nightmare”, he’d excuse his ways. All lies, in fact he hadn’t showed up for his internship, or even to university, this week, he wondered if his colleagues would call Cathy to see if he was ok, or why he wasn’t showing up, apparently not.

A painful _painful_ noise came from the top of the couch he was lying next to, leading him to finally move, grabbing on the furniture to not fall back down and kneeling next to the source of said noise, still asleep, morning light lightening up the sweaty dirty blond hair that was clinging to his face, that then suddenly contorted in pain. Mats’ hand carefully moved to the boys’ head, softly brushing away the wet strands from his face, hoping he wouldn’t wake up, he really did need more sleep.

Benedikt looked beautiful like this, Mats couldn’t help his thoughts, he had stop trying to stop them for a while now too, plus this whole situation was too much already and bottling up any kind of feelings he may have for his best friend was the least of his concerns. And with the light hitting his sleeping figure like this, illuminating his hair, his soft figures, making every single freckle be noticed, and even with the dark marks under his eyes being even more visible on his still quite pale face and the smell of sweat, tears and vomit filling up the room, Mats could look at him like this all day.

Seeing that Benedikt had calmed down, Mats thought it would be far less worse for him to wake up to a tidy, fresh room instead of the dirty stinky mess it was now so he gathered up the will force - it’s not like he had anything else to run on by now - and got up, walked to the kitchen to drink the cold coffee he had left there the day before, before grabbing some cleaning products he found under the kitchen sink and getting to work, opening up the small room window to let some fresh air in. It was time for Mats to start being strong, mainly for Benedikt, but also for himself. As he mopped the living room floor, he shook the thoughts of the past night away, he needed to, if he wanted to keep himself sane.

 

_You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_   
_You're spilling like an overflowing sink_   
_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_   
_And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink_

Mats had been staying at Benedikt’s for the past week, leaving only to get groceries or to pass by his own apartment so Cathy wouldn't worry and try and find out what was going on. He’d usually left when Benedikt was asleep or at least tired enough so Mats would know he wouldn't get out of bed and do something. Mats still wasn’t too sure what the something would be, he wasn’t sure if Benedikt would just grab some razors and start cutting his thighs, already filled with scars, like Mats had found him doing a few days ago, on the bath, blood everywhere; He just wanted to slap himself for not noticing anything, sure his friend had been down, not showing up to parties, missing university most day, but he hadn’t thought much of it, _fuck_ did he feel like a shitty _shitty_ friend. After that, Benedikt made him promise not to worry and much less to tell anyone about it, he had only kept the latter, as he didn’t really know what to do about the situation, Benedikt obviously needed to go see a therapist or something like that but just the idea of proposing such thing to his friend was terrifying, what if he just pushed him away, closing himself even more, not letting Mats take care of him.

Last afternoon, Mats had left the apartment, leaving Benedikt watching some movie he didn’t seem to care much about, to buy some proper food to make them something actually edible, maybe Benedikt would eat something more this way… When he got home, little over half an hour later, he found the other boy still sitting on the couch, his a little fallen to the side, probably falling asleep again, he always seemed so tired… Mats proceeded to the kitchen to put down the groceries and start cooking, when he noticed a jar of pills, well he supposed it used to be, nothing inside there anymore, he grabbed it, freaking out already, reading they were tranquilizers and he didn’t even had to look for the “secondary effects” section to find himself running to the tiny living room, shaking his almost passed out friend.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… Benni please!” He gently slapped him on the face, then harder as it hadn’t result in any movement. He went to retrieve a glass of water from the kitchen, and started wetting his face, he honestly had no idea what to do, he just did what seemed logic at the time. It was working, apparently, as he noticed Benedikt’s eyes starting to move, still with his eye lids closed. “Benni, baby, what did you do?” He asked, voice as soothing as he could get it to be while his body still ran on adrenaline.

Benedikt finally made a noise, a disappointing one, and when he opened his eyes they were shinning with tears, his look said nothing but sorry and, by then, Mats had no doubts about what had happened. He pulled the other boy’s hair back and wrapped his free arm around him, pulling him close. “How many?” He asked, barely making a sound, before pressing his lips to Benedikt’s head, trying to keep himself together.

“More than half, I guess…” Came a whisper from below, voice raspy and low. Mats pulled back and stared at his friend’s eyes, which kept the same look they had before, as if he was still expecting Mats to get mad at him, to get tired of him already and leave.

“I’m taking you to the hospi-“

“No.” Benedikt cut off Mats right away, even with a weak voice, not like Mats was expecting anything else.

“Benni, please!” He grabbed this face, staring deeper into Benedikt’s glazed out eyes. “Please, just…” The boy just shook his head, tears wetting his pale cheeks, his body starting to tremble. Mats took a deep breath, he had to do something, he had no idea what to do. “Benni, look at me!” He spoke softly and Benedikt looked up to him, still sobbing, his body trembling even more as the seconds went by. “You’re coming with me.” Deep breath. “We’re going to the bathroom and we’re going to get that out of your stomach, if we can’t we’re going to the hospital.”

Benedikt seemed more compliant now, his trembling body calming down, his eyes were still red, but had started to dry. Mats wandered if he had been on the verge of a panic attack just then, he had no idea how to deal with mental health, what was what, what he needed to worry about, maybe if he should really just ask a psychiatrist about it, as for curiosity, instead of reading endless internet “expert opinions”…

He helped Benedikt kneel next to the toilet, kneeling beside him too, pushing his hair back as the boy pushed two fingers into his mouth, gaging a few seconds later, making his eyes get even redder, his cheeks not so pale anymore. Benedikt’s fingers instinctively jumped out of his mouth as he coughed but nothing came out. He put his fingers back in, he gagged again, his eyes looked like they were going to jump out of his head, still nothing came out. He grabbed his tooth brush from its place on the sink and tried again with it, same result. Mats was starting to freak out and Benedikt was back to a trembling crying mess. “We have to go, Benedikt.”

“Can you try it? Please?” It was nothing more than a low sob as Benedikt offered the toothbrush to Mats, who took it and, after a few second of processing what he had to do, pushed it carefully into Benedikt’s slightly open mouth. His whole face was bright red now, eyes almost popping out, it was a terrifying image to see his friend like that, Mats just wanted to take the damn thing out of his mouth, he didn’t, he couldn’t, he didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if he had to take Benedikt to the hospital, or if-

While trying to shake away such thoughts, Mats felt liquid hitting his hand, pulling it back immediately, watching Benedikt double over the toilet, the little food he has ate coming out with a few pills Mats could also notice. When Benedikt had stopped for a while Mats got up, washed the glass used to hold the toothbrush, and filled it with water, giving it to Benedikt and sitting back against the wall petting the boy’s hair. He drank it, slowly, giving the glass back to Mats for him to hold it and turning back to the toilet, vomiting just clear liquid, water and something else that made his face contort in pain. Benedikt sat back down, the feeling of nausea finally calming down, he drank some more water, this time it stayed in and, after a while, Mats helped him up and they moved to the much comfier living room sofa. Benedikt crawled into Mats heat, Mats noticing he was extremely cold and bending over to get the blanket they had abandoned on the floor that morning, covering Benedikt with it. He probably still should take Benedikt to the hospital, but he just seemed so peaceful right now, his face going slowly back to its normal shade, his breathing evening and his face no longer covered in tears. So Mats let him rest, if he got worse than maybe he’d bring up the hospital again, or just call an ambulance without Benedikt’s knowledge, but what if he freaked out even more? No, no, no, bad idea, very bad idea.

Benedikt’s head eventually found its place on Mats lap, he was no longer freezing, and finally seemed a bit more comfortable, watching TV and lazily playing with Mats’ fingers. “Are you finally feeling better?” Mats broke the silence. Benedikt just hummed and nodded, then turning his face to Mats, still not letting go of his hand. Although he did seem better, Mats couldn’t help to notice the bags under his eyes or how his skin was still so pale or how the little smile Benedikt gave him was still so dull of life. “You should sleep.” The answer was another nod as the head on his lap turned back to the TV.

Benedikt fell asleep a few minutes later, while Mats mindlessly petted his hair, his other hand still linked with the boy’s. Mats tried not to overthink it; he failed miserably. Benedikt was most likely just looking for comfort, that’s what Mats was doing there, taking care of him, not taking the situation as an advantage to make himself feel better about his feelings, much less wondering if they might be reciprocated.

A couple of hours, that felt like mere minutes somehow, had passed when Benedikt woke up, a painful expression on his face. “Are you ok?” Mats tried to keep his voice calm, still it came out an octave out of place.

Benedikt didn’t answer, he got up in a blur, trying to run to the bathroom, but losing his forces halfway, just letting the clear liquid in his mouth fall to the floor. Mats got to him before he let himself fall too and helped him to the bathroom, where he puked some more, tiny bits at a time, He seemed exhausted by now, as if he was going to fall apart any second. And, after waiting a bit more so to be sure nothing more would come out, at least soon, Mats picked up Benedikt’s almost numb body, with just enough strength to put on arm around Mats’ neck. Mats himself was feeling exhausted also, so he just took Benedikt back to the couch, afraid he wouldn’t have the strength to carry his friend to the bedroom.

After making sure Benedikt was more relaxed and warm enough, he got up from the kneeling position he was in front of the couch. “Be right back.” He assured, going to the bathroom to get a towel, wetting it, to clean up the mess it was on the floor, it wasn’t a perfect job, far from it, but he didn’t want any of them sleepily stepping on it the next morning. After getting back to an already sleeping Benedikt, he laid on the floor next to the couch, checking the time on his phone, 4am, so late, he was so tired already, still he stayed awake for a whole nother hour, listening to Benedikt’s little moans in pain from time to time and thinking about what he might have done if Benedikt was gone by now, if he couldn’t have done anything, if he got home to a lifeless body. He cried himself to sleep like he hadn’t since he could remember, trying to keep himself from making any noise, he needed to be strong right now, be there for Benedikt, his Benedikt.

_Everything is blue_   
_His pills, his hands, his jeans_   
_And now I'm covered in the colors_   
_Pulled apart at the seams_   
_And it's blue_   
_And it's blue_

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of this is based on my own experience with depression and mental health issues, so this is mostly an emotional evaluation of the situation, rather than a medical one, which may cause in some inaccuracies but that was honestly not my point with this fic;
> 
> Also please tell me what you think, as i do really want to improve my writting and nothing better than people opinions on it :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
